Toronto
The New Brian
It was then that the weight of depression lifted from my shoulders. I found my self-confidence and strength-of-will once more knowing I have the capacity within me to take on whatever may come my way. Hugh told me after I had come out of my depression that he never thought I was depressed.
“What was I then?” I asked Hugh. I’d been struggling against something for the past ten years – this monkey on my back or whatever it was.
He looked at me and said, “I saw someone dejected and demoralized.”
I had searched for a decade trying to find what I could never have found. I was increasingly frustrated by my fruitless trek and my body’s failings that thwarted my efforts to make a life for myself. I became more dispirited and disheartened as time went by. All this I saw as depression and the resulting insecurity as anxiety.
But never again!
I am now Brian in my own right. I live life as my own person. I am able to meet whatever life has in store.
As the veil of my depression started to lift I found the inspiration to follow my dream to do Voice Over (VO). I had wanted to give voice to animated characters since I was a teenager for two reasons. First, it would be a really cool thing to do. Second, because of my facial paralysis I couldn’t make facial expressions such as frown, raise my eyebrows or give a big, wide smile – but the characters I gave voice to could.
Just as for teaching, giving a workshop and working in a medical lab, there were people who told me, “Brian, you can’t do Voice Over.” Some people told me this out of genuine concern that I was destined for certain failure and didn’t want to see me get hurt. I appreciated their concern but as I listened in my mind I said, “Oh please save it.” Then there were people who told me I couldn’t do VO just for their own satisfaction of telling me so. For these people my sentiment was, “Take a hike!” My reply to everyone was, “I’m working on it.”
In April of 2010 I joined Voices.com, a Voice Over marketplace, and started receiving their emails, newsletters and job notices. That September I went to the Voices of Vision event in Toronto where I got a good feeling for the VO industry that I couldn’t find in Thunder Bay. At Voices of Vision I met Pat who gave the first workshop. He emailed me two weeks later inviting me down to a Voice Over event in October at his studio in West Hollywood. “Awesome, I can’t pass this up.” I did something that was totally out of character for me. I jumped on a plane for LA with no idea how I was going to pay for it. I was nervous. At Pat’s VO event I got two turns to stand in a recording booth in front of a microphone and read a script. I know I can trust Pat’s word when he said I was fine. When I came back to Thunder Bay from Pat’s VO event I felt I needed to strengthen my vocal skills. I saw Mona, a speech pathologist, monthly for a year and a half. She had done some VO herself so she knew what I wanted to do with my voice. Mona was very creative and helpful. We improved my voice as best we could given my impediments. I gained more confidence in speaking. Then I took voice lessons over Skype for a year from a woman named Sunday, a voice coach in Toronto. With her guidance I focused on how I can best employ my vocal skills.
When I decided to do VO I joined Toastmasters. I wanted to improve my public speaking and interpretive reading skills. I belong to two Toastmasters clubs in Thunder Bay, compete in speech competitions and have earned my Advanced Communicator – Bronze and Competent Leader standings. Toastmasters taught me a lot about the craft of speaking. My confidence in public speaking and reading aloud has grown tremendously. Best of all I enjoy it.
Like Mom and Dad I was an active member of Corpus Christi. When I moved into my condo I involved myself in all the church functions at St. Agnes to forge an identity of my own. After four years I became discontented with the church services and the whole church scene. I couldn’t put my finger on why but it all started to feel hollow. I could experience the building and the people but no spiritual connection. I realized I was trying to live my mother’s relationship with Catholicism. I had to find my own spirituality. I stopped going to church and I didn’t miss it.
I lived in spiritual limbo. No longer did I have a spiritual basis in church and I didn’t know where else to look. Counselling for my depression revealed the wholeness within me. My ascent from the depths of depression began when I discovered that the light of my spirit and strength shines outward from my heart and soul.
Since then my spirituality grew beyond any one set of beliefs. No longer could I adhere to the teachings and edicts of some external church telling me what my beliefs were. I found spirituality to be much more. Now my spirituality comes from a variety of sources and always shines out from within me. I will never knock organized religion. It is a source of spirit and strength for many people as it once was for me.
I met my health challenges of facial paralysis, speech impediment, poor balance, hearing loss, obesity and depression. I surrounded myself with people who could help me with my disabilities and forge ahead with life. When I saw how technology could help me I embraced it. I now know the joy of expanding my creative mind: Interior Design, Architectural Technology, Copywriting, Artist, Writer, Voice Actor, Toastmaster and … There are many more things I want to learn and do. These are my dreams. Anyone who looks with an open mind at all the things out there to do will find the opportunities are endless. I’ve gained confidence travelling by myself to reintroduce “Brian” to my family and preserve the family history. Moving in with Catharine and her children enhanced my family life tremendously. I have found fulfillment in writing and speaking. My new spirituality has given me a sense of inner peace and joy. Despite all I that have been through I am living my dreams.
Dad aptly chose The Old Man and the Sea to read to me in the ICU after my neurosurgery at Sick Kids in 1972. He chose the story of a man who kept his courage in the face of defeat who won a personal triumph from loss that, for me, proved to be prophetic. It would be the story of my life.
In my world there are no final frontiers. There are only new frontiers to be discovered and explored. My life is my continuing mission. What else is in store for me? What new adventure awaits? Whatever it is I will face it with a smile!
Overcoming another road block
Even though I had dealt with the changes in my body and the deaths of my parents I was unable to handle life very well. The emptiness was still there. When I started to manage the geochemical lab the stress made it harder to keep my head clear. I felt like all the nerve endings under my skin were jumping to the surface. I saw my doctor who put me on 40 mg of Paxil antidepressant medication. It took the edge off my anxiety.
I took Paxil for four years until my final year in the Architectural Technology program. During that year a feeling within me grew that said the Paxil was no longer doing anything for me. I weaned myself off Paxil over two months and found my nerves were no different. I was right. Paxil was no longer helping me cope. “Why am I taking this stuff?” I asked myself. I was handling life well enough even though Paxil wasn’t helping me so I stayed off it.
Also during my final year at college I found I couldn’t afford my condo anymore. Catharine had been separated for two years. So she and I started a partnership. We searched for a house that she, Sarah, Matthew, Tessa and I could live in. We found one and we had a home. I invested money from the sale of my condo in the house to lower the mortgage payments. It went unsaid but Catharine and I both wondered how this was going to work out since we hadn‘t lived in the same house in 26 years. With some give and take and understanding Catharine and I got to know each other better than when we were kids.
I continued with my studies and graduated with an Architectural Technology diploma in June, 2005. The program had taught me a lot of new things such as building construction techniques and codes. As it turned out I would never work as an Architectural Technologist because of another blow as a result of the radiation therapy I had as a child.
Two weeks after I graduated from the Architectural Technology program and three weeks after getting back from setting the date for plastic surgery I suffered another big drop in my hearing. This time it was my left ear and again it was overnight. I woke up one morning in June, 2005, with profound deafness in both ears. I was left floundering.
Suddenly the phone was virtually useless and face to face conversations were difficult at best. It was yet another frustration and I was exasperated. Here I was trying to make a life for myself, and had a sense of getting somewhere, only to be kicked back. Again I had to regroup. Now depression more than anxiety ruled my life. In hindsight this was a blessing in disguise. I was forced into making another life change that would be very positive for me.
“Now what do I do?”
Any job that required me to answer the phone or talk to people was just about out of reach. I couldn’t call to inquire about a job. Even if I got a job interview I wouldn’t be able to get through it without frequently having to ask the interviewer to repeat him or herself.
I went to see Patrick, my audiologist, who fitted me with hearing aids that made me fairly functional with face to face conversation and I could use the telephone with difficulty as long as it had a volume adjustment. For three years I used these hearing aids and I avoided using the telephone as much as possible. My confidence with the phone was completely shattered.
My saving grace when I lost the hearing in my left ear was that I was living with Catharine and her kids. After a few disastrous attempts at trying to answer the phone Catharine said, “Brian, don’t answer the phone. If it’s for you we’ll tell you.” Catharine helped me with the important calls so that I could catch everything said. I was fortunate to have friends who were understanding and patient with my difficulty when they called.
A month after my hearing loss I expressed my frustrations about my dilemma to Catharine. She suggested trying to do things online. I had thought of it but not seriously. My email account was all but dormant. I hadn’t surfed the net much for anything. Catharine’s suggestion made sense though. I started to look for things to do on the net. I hear email just fine.
A whole new world of things to see and do opened up to me. Google and Wikipedia became routine for anything I wanted to look up or know about. There were websites to look at, newsletters I signed up for and I patted myself on the back the first time I watched a YouTube video. Now I don’t know how I managed without it. Of all the things I found on the net I was most intrigued by copywriting – the craft of writing ads, brochures, articles and, best of all, getting paid to do it. I decided to focus on what I considered to be my last remaining asset – writing. I was more comfortable writing than with anything else. It had always come easily to me.
Once I decided on copywriting I read all the books and articles I could find. But reading about copywriting wasn’t enough. I needed a qualification. I found “The Institute for Copywriting” in England. This was my first online course. When all the assignments were completed The Institute mailed me my diploma.
I had my diploma but I came up short of starting a career in copywriting. I was used to taking courses. When it came time to put into practice what I had learned I faltered. It was as if someone was reaching through me from behind, grabbing hold of my sternum and pulling me back. My nerves and self-doubt would take control of me. But the willingness inside urged me on.
I continued to look into copywriting. I spoke with a copywriter from Utah who was very patient with my difficulty in using the telephone. He had learned copywriting through American Writers and Artists Inc. (AWAI). I decided to take that course. In November, 2008, I went to AWAI Bootcamp, a copywriting conference in Florida. The main reason I went to Bootcamp was to meet people working in my chosen profession. I attended some very insightful workshops and met 300 copywriters. Up until then I hadn’t met even one. I came back from Florida with my batteries charged but something held me back.
The one drawback to copywriting, even though most of it is done online, was that I couldn’t avoid having to pick up the phone to call someone. I was frustrated but it wasn’t going to stop me. I went to the Canadian Hearing Society (CHS) in Thunder Bay where I hoped they could show me a way of handling phone calls. I was out of ideas. I met a counsellor there named Jeff. He showed me the various devices I could use that I tried with limited success. When I found Bluetooth hearing aids in their catalogue I knew right away that these were the answer. They worked like a wireless head set. By pairing a cell phone with Bluetooth hearing aids I heard the caller in my hearing aids just like a face to face conversation. I responded by speaking into the microphone in the remote hanging around my neck. They weren’t the perfect solution but they were light years ahead of anything else. With the Bluetooth hearing aids I regained my confidence in using the telephone.
Jeff was hearing impaired and the first person I met who was more comfortable with American Sign Language (ASL) than with verbal speech. Our counselling sessions were staged with Jeff and me in a room at the CHS in Thunder Bay with Jeff on camera. Glenda, a hearing ASL interpreter, who was on camera in Guelph saw what Jeff signed and said it out loud so I could hear it through a speaker phone. Karen, a captionist in Toronto, heard what Glenda said and typed it out so it appeared on a laptop screen in front of me so I could read it. This worked well since I only caught half of Glenda’s words. Glenda listened to my response and signed it to Jeff.
Jeff and I covered a lot of ground this way. I could talk to him easily about my frustrations with life and how I could best handle my deafness. Jeff taught me about the Deaf community and culture. I became involved with many of the CHS functions. I’m now on the Community Development Council for the CHS in Thunder Bay. The Canadian Hearing Society has been a very positive experience for me.
Through Loss Is My Beginning.
Mom often told me the story of how she met Dad.
“I met your father in the men’s washroom at Hillingdon,” Mom smiled and laughed as she relived the moment.
In the summer of 1953, Mom was assisting a male patient to the washroom one afternoon. She met a handsome young man, Peter Spare, the Assistant Clinical Chemist. As a nurse she was one of the few women permitted into the men’s washroom.
“He was surprised to see me,” Mom said.
A few days later when they crossed paths they smiled as they talked about their bathroom encounter. That started a two year courtship.
Once Mom and Dad got to know each other they found, despite their very different upbringings, they had many things in common. Both had grown up on a farm and hated the farming life. Each had chosen a profession in health care and had achieved their education through their own means, hard work and determination – and they both desired to leave the UK. When it came to getting an education and forging ahead in life Mom like Dad found her helping hand at the end of her own arm.
Dad owned a three-wheeled, two-seater, Bond Minicar convertible powered by a motorcycle engine. It was constantly breaking down so he kept a tool box in the back to change a spark plug or whatever needed fixing. Often it needed a push to start it. But Mom didn’t know how to drive. Dad would have to steer while Mom pushed. When the car started Mom jumped in and off they went. They made a good team.
“I swear I pushed that car everywhere we went,” Mom said.
September 3, 1955, Mom and Dad were married at St. Patrick‘s church in Northampton, England, and they spent their honeymoon at Shakespeare’s birthplace in Stratford on Avon. When they returned from their honeymoon Mom and Dad made their final preparations to set sail for their new life together in a new land. In early October they sailed to Canada. They docked in Montreal and rode the train to Sudbury, Ontario, with just $18.00 cash between them.
Soon after they arrived in Canada Mom and Dad tried to start a family. I was born four years later and they adopted Catharine three years after that. Mom and Dad were dedicated parents who raised Catharine and me in a loving and stable environment. They were always supportive to each other and were unwavering in their parental duties.
All through my grade school years we had family, neighbours and friends in and out of our home and guests over for dinner. For every occasion throughout the year we had people and parties at our home. My illness changed all that. From my neurosurgery at Sick Kids in Toronto until my recovery the house parties stopped. During those two years only a few friends came by. An elephant lived in our house and many people didn’t know what to say or do. Adults with healthy children were silently thankful they weren’t in Mom and Dad’s shoes.
The traumatic experience of my brain tumour had affected all of us. I was left with disabilities and the plight of adjusting to them. Mom and Dad had to recover from coping with the distress of watching me get sicker during 1973. They seriously wondered if I would live though it. Catharine quietly watched as the world focused on me. Being younger she weathered the storm better than any of us. When the two years of my recovery had passed, and I was getting out again, the house parties gradually started. Once more other people’s voices enriched our lives.
Mom and Dad continuously applauded my efforts to overcome my disabilities. They did anything and everything to forge a successful path in life for me. Mom never accepted what had happened to me. She had a mother’s guilt of thinking she could have done more for me. She saw the perfect little healthy boy that she had prayed so hard for become sick. Mom was thankful for me but felt cheated that she couldn’t bear more children. Also Mom didn’t become the woman of wealth and prominence she had dreamt about. Mom lived her days looking back to her troubled childhood and it influenced every decision she made. She worked hard to get out of her impoverished life and she sensed she was succeeding in her aims only to be thwarted by circumstances. She wondered when the cruelties of this world would let up on her. Mom felt as if life had been very unfair to her.
“Why do some people go through life with hardly any problems,” Mom said to me, “and others get so many?”
The culmination of all her worries sowed the seed of her depression that didn’t surface until the 1980s. The love that brought Mom and Dad together and bonded them through their life’s journey was always there. As Mom’s depression took root a wedge was driven between them.
Part of Mom’s depression stemmed from the fact that she had no siblings in Canada to support her. “If only Rita had lived she would have come with me,” Mom said to me with a mournful sigh. I recall how her spirits were lifted when she received a letter from one of her sisters. Mom yearned to return to Ireland but Dad had no desire to do so. Although she dearly loved her husband Mom very much resented his choice to stay in Canada. Mom and Dad remained together out of their commitment to each other and to Catharine and me.
Even after Mom’s depression started to take hold of her the get-togethers with friends continued. Not until 1985 did the house parities start to taper off. During the three years I was in London, Ontario, things really diminished. When I came back to Thunder Bay the house was much quieter and even general house maintenance had been left. It demonstrated to me how central I was to Mom and Dad’s lives. Without my presence they lost the focus of what had driven them forward together for many years. Mom and Dad lost each other in their efforts to build a life for me.
When we started Tara Scientific Laboratories my parents found a renewed energy in helping me build a future. Running Tara demanded a lot of our time and by and large took the place of our social lives. Not until the final three months when Mom and I were shutting Tara down did I truly notice just how quiet the house had become. Many of the family friends who were in and out of the house over the years had moved out of town, passed away, or just stopped coming – friends who were never replaced. Our home had become a lonely place.
Once Tara was finished and Dad’s affairs had been put in order, Mom began to lose her positive outlook. She sensed the emptiness of our house too and didn’t see how or have the energy to liven it up once again. Mom lost her focus of helping me build a life now that Tara was gone. She had seen me to my 40th year but she could find no more of herself to give. Mom died of a heart attack in her sleep June 10, 1999. I think her spirit drained away over the last three months of her life.
I laid Dad to rest and then Mom. On June 15, 1999, the day after I buried Mom, I filed Tara’s final taxes. Maybe it was meant to be that way. Mom and Dad steered the course of my life for its first 40 years. Tara Scientific Laboratories was the last part of it on which my parents had influence. When I laid Tara to rest I put aside my parents’ capacity to shape my life. Now navigating my way was solely up to me.
My Smile!
During the time of Dad’s struggle with cancer Mom found an article in the newspaper about a new surgery for people with facial paralysis called Smile-Surgery. It was pioneered by two plastic surgeons in Toronto. I saw the surgeons in March, 1977, to find that I was a good candidate for this procedure. After the surgery I would be able to move the corners of my mouth outward and up to smile.
Smile-Surgery: One end of the gracilis muscle is attached to the chin and the other end to the cheek. The blood supply and nerve are connected to the jaw muscle. After 12 weeks the surgery heals enough for the “smile muscle” to start working. It contracts when the jaw muscle is tensed causing the corner of the mouth to move outward and up to smile.
“Is this the answer?” I wondered, “Would I finally have what I had dreamt of for so long? Would I get my smile back?” I was afraid to hope. I didn’t want to be disappointed again and yet my intuition told me to have the surgery. I thought about it for months.
In October of 1997, I had Smile-Surgery on the right side of my face at the Toronto Western Hospital while Dad and Jeanne ran Tara.
The Smile-Surgery involved taking some gracilis muscle from my inner thigh and transplanting it into my face (right thigh for the right side of the face and left thigh for the left side).
The lack of a smile wasn’t my only problem. Since I didn’t have cheek muscles to support my lower eyelids they sagged. During this Smile-Surgery the surgeons made a sling for each lower eye lid from a tendon out of my left wrist to hold them up.
When I woke up after surgery the incision on my face went from my right temple, down past my ear, around the corner of my jaw and along it to my chin. I had an incision along the inside of my right thigh from my knee to my groin with drains sticking out. I had swollen, bloodshot eyes I couldn’t focus. They had taken a tendon out of my left wrist and there was an IV in my right hand. I was sore all over and all I could do was lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. Man was I ever feeling sorry for myself.
“Brian,” I said, “what on Earth were you thinking? You didn’t have to do this.” Wah wah wah.
Two days later I wasn’t as sore. I could focus my eyes again and I was glad it was over. Four days after surgery the drains came out and I could get up. Three more days in Toronto and I was back in Thunder Bay.
It took two weeks for the swelling in my face to go down. The surgeons gave me step-by-step instructions on how to strengthen my new muscle. I stood in front my bedroom mirror daily to practice twitching it by tensing my jaw muscles. There was no movement at all at first. The right side of my face looked to be more alive but, try as I might, the corner of my mouth wouldn’t budge. I was disheartened but I reminded myself that the surgeons had told me that the muscle needed time to heal before it would work. Of course I wanted the smile muscle to work right away. I kept practicing. Twelve weeks after surgery I was sure I could feel a tug in the corner of my mouth. It was also time for Smile-Surgery on the left side. In early January, 1998, I was back at Toronto Western Hospital.
Now I practiced twitching both corners of my mouth. To the surgeons practicing twitching the smile muscles every day was very serious business. I was like a kid with a new toy. Each day I stood in front of my bedroom mirror to practice twitching my smile muscles. At first I watched the corners of my mouth move slightly. The twitches got broader as the smile muscles became stronger. The joy in my heart grew and grew as I witnessed my motionless, expressionless face come to life. For the first time in 25 years I had movement in my face. I had my smile! It wasn’t the big, wide smile I would have liked but it was bigger than Mona Lisa’s.
“Why not have some fun with this too?” I thought. I discovered that, along with regaining my smile, I could make sounds again that I hadn’t made since I was a kid such as blow raspberries. Awesome!
The surgeons brought each smile muscle around under my lower lip as well. To have working muscles support my lower lip again proved to be a permanent solution to the problem of it curling down.
Someday I’ll Get My Smile Back
In the mid 1970s biofeedback captured the public’s interest and became my hope to overcome my facial paralysis. I dreamt of making facial expressions again and most of all to be able to smile. A doctor in Los Angeles was well known for his expertise with this technique. In late May of 1975, Mom, Dad, Catharine and I were en route to California. We stayed at a hacienda-style hotel called Griswold’s in Claremont, a suburb of LA, where the doctor had his practice. It was a two storey building and the elevator was outside. The vending machine beside the elevator sold Canada Dry soft drinks. I had never seen a vending machine selling Canada Dry soft drinks in Canada.
Biofeedback: A training technique whereby an electromyograph is used to measure electrical impulses produced by muscle movement. The impulses are displayed on a screen to the person being monitored in order to assist that individual to improve muscle function.
At his office the California doctor stuck three electrode needles in each side of my face. Each needle hurt like sticking an IV needle in my hand. My face felt like a pin cushion. The electrodes were wired to an electromyograph to measure the electrical impulses produced by muscle movement in my face. My facial muscles were paralyzed so they didn’t produce electrical impulses. Since they didn’t produce electrical impulses biofeedback wouldn’t work for me. After watching the screen while adjusting the electrodes the doctor decided he couldn’t do anything for me. I was disappointed. I had imagined myself with a big smile again and placed all my hope in this doctor being able to help me.
Despite the disappointment we spent some tourist time there. We visited Disneyland for a day and toured Universal Studios the next. It was really cool to see how Hollywood shot movie scenes and made things appear a certain way for the camera. There were no sides on the tour bus. Every now and then a man dressed as Frankenstein suddenly poked his head into the bus to give us a scare. He got a lot of gasps followed by laughs and I laughed with them. That evening we drove around Rodeo Drive to find the homes of the movie stars. Next day was the long flight home.
I turned 16 in June of 1975. Like most 16-year-olds I wanted to get my driver’s licence and I vowed to get it before I turned 17. I passed the application for my learner’s permit. Now I could practice driving with a licensed driver with me, usually Mom or Dad, and take driving lessons. I took lessons with two driving schools and got a lot of practice driving my parents around town. When the instructor thought I was ready we booked a driving test. After a third test I got my licence in May of 1976 one week before I turned 17.
Mom was waiting for me when I got back with the good news. She gave me a big hug and disappeared for a moment while I sat down relieved at the kitchen table. She came back with a set of car keys that had been waiting for me since my first test. I proudly put them on my key ring.
Driving afforded me the ability to expand my world. I could go places, see friends, meet new people and run errands. Most importantly I experienced different situations that the limited mobility I had in those years after my recovery would not have allowed. This was especially poignant to me because I well remembered what losing my independence to my failing health was like while I was in a wheelchair.
My health issues continued. Another consequence of my facial paralysis was that my lower lip tissue stretched so that it curled out and down because of the lack of muscle support. By July of 1975, I was getting leather lip where the lip skin grows back into the mouth. I saw a plastic surgeon who proposed a simple procedure done under a local anesthetic. He would cut a wedge out along the inside of my lower lip which would raise it up when the two sides of the gap were sown together. This seemed like a good solution. The only drawback was that since my lip tissue would keep stretching and curling down I had to have this surgery every four to five years.
The following October I was back in Toronto at the Wellesley Hospital for the surgery. I was brought into a small OR while still in my street clothes. I got up and laid flat on the operating table and they covered me with a green sterile sheet. The surgeon marked out on my lip where he had to cut. Then came the needle. Starting on my right he poked my lip and injected the freezing. EXCRUTIATING! I gasped each time he injected the freezing as I laid there as rigid as a board trying my best to endure the pain. It took five pokes to freeze my lip all the way across. Next he picked up a scalpel in his right hand and forceps in his left. He started to cut out the wedge pinching the end of it with the forceps. As he cut along the lines I could see an ever increasing length of tissue that was once part of my lip. Blood trickled down my throat. After he cut the wedge out he proceeded to stitch me up. The freezing was wearing off as he was finishing just as he said it would. I felt the last few stitches going in. It took half an hour from start to finish. I walked out of the hospital accompanied by Mom with a swollen, bloody, stitched–up lip. My lip healed during the next two weeks.
Over 22 years I had this procedure four times – two at the Wellesley Hospital in Toronto and two at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Thunder Bay. I still wonder if cutting with the scalpel would have hurt less than injecting the freezing.
I never gave up on the hope of regaining the ability to smile. So in 1977 I was excited to discover a doctor at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio had developed a new surgical technique to help people with facial paralysis. It involved rerouting a sensory nerve from the front of the neck and attaching it to the obicularis oris muscle surrounding the mouth. If it worked I would be able to move my lips again. But there was a trade off. I would lose the feeling in an area of my throat in exchange for regaining the use of my lips. It was a trade off I was willing to make.
Mom, Dad and I flew to Cleveland to see the doctor. He said he could do the procedure the next day. If I wanted to go ahead with it he had to know soon so he could book the OR. I had an hour to decide. At 17 this was the first time the decision to have surgery or not was mine. It was a huge decision to make on the spot. As I thought about it I said to myself, “Why am I here? He can do it tomorrow so let’s go for it.” My answer was an enthusiastic, “Yes.” I had to get pre-op bloodwork, have an ECG and be at the clinic for 6:00 the next morning.
To get the obicularis oris muscle to function fully the doctor would have to take a nerve from the right side of my throat and try to attach it to the right side of the obicularis oris muscle. Then he would do the same with the left. He would do both sides if the right was successful. When I woke up after surgery only the right side of my throat was bandaged. The surgery was unsuccessful. Since the muscles in my face had lost their nerve supply five years before they had wasted away. The doctor could not find any trace of the obicularis oris muscle to attach the nerve to so he put it back in my throat. It took six months for the feeling to come back.
It was the second try to regain at least some movement in my face. Again I was disappointed. Biofeedback couldn’t help me and the surgery in Cleveland was unsuccessful. My quest to find someone who could give me facial movement was like Dorothy searching for the Wizard of Oz. But I didn’t want a heart of courage – just a smile.
“Someday I’ll get my smile back.” I was confidence that another surgical technique would be developed.
That fall Aunt Josie, Mom’s sister, and Uncle Jimmy came to visit us from London, England. I was apprehensive. My appearance had changed so much since I saw them seven years earlier when Mom took me overseas to visit the relatives when I was ten. I didn’t want them to see me until my facial muscles had regenerated and I was back to looking the way I was then. When we met I was no different to them. Their acceptance encouraged me to come to terms with the changes in my body. I had adapted to my balance and co-ordination issues but I hadn’t fully accepted my facial paralysis. I still clung to the hope that somehow the cranial nerve would regenerate and I would get the movement in my face back. The cold, hard fact was the nerve would never regenerate. My Aunt and Uncle’s acceptance of me, despite the changes in my body, helped me accept who I had become.
“I’ll have facial paralysis for the rest of my life!”
The thought fell on me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t grasp a sense of how long that was, but I accepted that facial paralysis would always be part of me.